Already got asked if we're dating
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
