if only i could text you this smell
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Dicks are not precious.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
