Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
