my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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