Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He has the fingertips of a God
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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