he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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