he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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