Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
