Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
