did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
