Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
