dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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