omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
