I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
