i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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