I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
