I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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