Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
