how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
