At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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