I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
