If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
