I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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