haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
