News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
