I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
