Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Randomize
