I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
