I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
