I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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