every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
