i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
