i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
