i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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