can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
