Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
