I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
