Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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