she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
high people should be assigned attendants
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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