Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize