I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
