Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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