Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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