Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
