I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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