Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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