I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
is wine microwaveable?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
