im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
