and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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