Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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