ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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