I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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