you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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