I just pynch a tree in the face
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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