I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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