my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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