omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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