his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize