Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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