i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
